Over the past few years I’ve learned that there are some basic truths in life when it comes to parenting and kids. I have made a list of 17 things that are guaranteed to happen. If you’re a parent you will know what I’m talking about.
1. If you throw something away because your child has not played with it in months, he will ask for it later the same day. The same toy that hasn’t been played with in months is the one that makes loud noise and has flashing lights and is the first toy your 5-year-old turns on as soon as the baby goes down for a nap after the baby hasn’t slept for two nights because he’s teething.
2. If you successfully transfer your sleeping baby all the way from your car to his crib, the floor will creak and wake him up as you tiptoe out the door. The same car in which the window was down and the radio was on. As you enter the house you walk past your wife blow drying her hair while vacuuming as your five-year old plays the drums on pots and pans…stupid loose floor board.
3. If your son spent a year begging to play soccer, the day you sign him up and pay the bill, he’ll switch his interest to karate.
4. The one time your child asks for broccoli, you won’t have any in the house.
5. If you tell someone your baby is a good napper, he will never nap again.
6. If the baby makes it through an awful tummy bug and you say out loud, “Thank goodness, it wasn’t contagious!,” the next day EVERYONE ELSE will get it and then the baby will get it again.
7. The moment you decide to get rid of all your baby related items because you won’t be having any more kids, you will instantly become pregnant. Everything you gave away was given to someone else because the friend you gave it to was done having kids. The good news is, your friends who were “done having kids” will appreciate the brand new stuff you bought because they just gave away your crib which means they’ve never been more fertile.
8. If you pack up the entire house to go on a two-day trip, you’ll forget something really simple. Like diapers or formula.
9. The one time you don’t ask your kid if he has to go to the bathroom before you leave the house, he’ll declare an emergency in front of the roadside gas station. You’ll think, how gross could it be? YEP, THAT GROSS.
10. The day you dress the baby in his best outfit will be the day he has the MOTHER of all blow-outs. You know the kind that makes a line from the small of his back to the top of his head. How does it do that, it’s not like your baby is hanging from his feet.
11. The day after correcting your toddler for saying an inappropriate word, will be the day you say, “S#*t! I forgot my keys!” to which he will say “Daddy, s#*t is a bad word”, to which he will later say to your wife “Daddy said s#*t” thus providing you at least two more opportunities to correct your toddler and remind him that you’re a HYPOCRITE.
12. If you spend half the day packing everyone up to go to the zoo, they will all fall asleep by the time you get there and be cranky and miserable the rest of the day because they fell asleep exactly 12 minutes before you arrived
13. If you somehow manage to make it to work in a shirt free of poop, snot or spit-up, you will spill your own coffee on it as soon as you sit down at your desk.
14. If you decide to take a chance by leaving the diaper bag at home for a quick errand with the baby, he won’t just need a new diaper. He will need a whole new outfit and your automobile interior will need to be shampooed.
15. If you lay down the law that bedtime is at 7:30pm, the hospital, or your place of work, will call at 7:29.
16. If you brag to your friends about how much your toddler is talking, when they see him, he will not say a word not even “s#*t”.
17. The second you decide to take advantage of nap time by stepping into the shower, running on the treadmill, watching a movie, sitting down to eat or heaven forbid trying to get some shut-eye yourself, the baby will wake up. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.