Friday health care humor

Nothing Beats Experience

At the end of an appointment, I said to my 92-year-old patient: “Everything looks great. I want to see you back in 6 months unless you have problems before that.”

My 92 year-old patient responded: “Well, if you have problems before that you let me know. After being around 90-some years, I can help you solve just about anything.”

I love my job! —Nicole Stout, PT, MPT, CLT-LANA

The following quotes were taken from actual medical records dictated by physicians: (the last one is my favorite so if you don’t have time to read all of them, skip ahead)

  • By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
  • Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
  • On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
  • She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
  • The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983
  • Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.
  • I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.
  • The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
  • Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
  • The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.
  • Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
  • The patient refused an autopsy.
  • The patient has no past history of suicides.
  • The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
  • Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
  • The patient’s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
  • She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
  • The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
  • Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

Have a great weekend and wish me luck.  I’m off to Tulsa, OK, to run my second ever Warrior Dash race Saturday morning and then root on the Tigers as they take on the Sooners in Norman, OK, Saturday night (I’m not real optimistic about a Tigers victory, OU is 72 and 2 at home under current coach Bob Stoops).  I have two goals for the race; 1) finish healthy and 2) beat Lindsey Martin’s time…(Lindsey is the Director of our ICU)

About Craig Thompson

I am a young professional with two great sons, and I work in the healthcare setting. I am employed in hospital administration and serve as Chief Executive Officer at Golden Valley Memorial Healthcare in Clinton, Missouri. At GVMH we care for our families, friends and neighbors. We're committed to providing the safest, friendliest and most compassionate care to all we serve.
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5 Responses to Friday health care humor

  1. Raquel Silies says:

    If you would like, I could give you some of these quotes from our physicians right here at the Valley. We have some Zingers!

  2. Tina Colby says:

    Love this blog! We tend to forget to laugh sometimes as much as we should.

  3. Lindsay Martin says:

    Yea ya beat me but only cause they were still building the coarse when I raced. Had to wait in line for them to finish. You got the luxury on competing on a finished course. I believe that I waited in line at least 6 minutes soooo therefore you did not REALLY beat me. I call it a tie. Sound fair?

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